Business not as usual

No prisoners, no gorillas, no returns

Let’s talk about the 600 pound gorilla in the room. Isn’t it funny that you, we, everybody in the room can see (and smell, but that’s another story) it. But you, we, everybody in the room acts as if that stinking silverback wasn’t there. Prepare for the worst because we will let the cat out of the bag and make the gorilla visible: 

We don’t accept returns. 

There you have it. Finally the gorilla has a name: noreturns.

And why is that so? Quite simply: You’ll get from us a brand new, sealed and pristine LP. We know that because we know that the pressing plant has inspected each and every LP individually (for more details on QC, read the postscript*). One by one. From both sides. Under a light so mercyless you’d confess ANY crime after 187 seconds the latest. (That record is very likely one for the ages. The record holder is blind and was wearing very dark sunglasses during his attempt.)

So painstakingly thorough are the Danes from Nordsø Records just to make sure that the particular LP—any LP—we ship to you is as at least perfect. Once your LP  hassurvived that inspection, the Viking slid the more-virgin-than-Doris-Day-vinyl into a poly-lined inner sleeve with all the TLC he has left. That inner sleeve was then placed under protective custody of the german tough-as-nails-cardboard used for the gatefold cover. At last the gatefold was carefully put into the celluloid outer sleeve. 

The protective film over the adhesive strip on the sleeve was then removed and the flap pressed against the adhesive for precisely 7 seconds.

(Note: the adhesive is on the sleeve, not on the flap. Because don’t you hate it when you pull an LP from a resealable outer and the flap sticks to the LP? Yes, that is one thing about LPs we really really hate. So much in fact that for hate’s sake we had special celluloid outers made with the adhesive strip placed on the sleeve proper, not on the flap.) 

After seven seconds of applying a tender but firm pressure, the Viking puts a seal over the flap’s edge. And if we say seal, we mean SEAL. A sealt in our definition is something that can’t be removed without total and utter destruction — it’s either SEAL or FUBAR. Nobody can open the celluloid outer of our LPs without making the tampering stick out like a sore thumb.

So if you open the seal, take out the LP, put it on your turntable, place the stylus in the run-in groove, listen to the first song (or maybe two)  and then decide that for what ever reason you don’t like the record and send it back – then we’d be left in the downpour for drying. No shelter, roof, no umbrella, no mercy. And you’d be laughing all the way to the bank … IF we were to accept returns.

You certainly understand that we don’t want to be left in that kind of downpour. Especially not with you watching us and laughing up your sleeve. You wouldn’t want to be out in the rain and have us ROTFLAO. RIght?

The record you sent us back is perfectly worthless to us. We can’t sell that LP again because we promised our buyers (you among them) a pristine, flawless and factory-sealed LP. And because we don’t know in what condition your turntable is, if the stylus is adjusted properly or if  its super sharp Shibata geometry was mis-aligned to re-cut the LP during playback, we don’t know what condition the LP is in. And we honestly don’t want to have to care about it. (For similar reasons, other online shops don’t accept returns e.g. of used underwear, nails or virgins.)

Adding insult to injury, it was limited edition LP from a very small production run. We can’t nor won’t re-issue this LP because we promise you and all our customers, that once a limited edition is gone, it’s gone for good. Imagine all 1000 buyers would want to return their LPs. We’d end up with a pile of records and would even have to pay for their removal.)

(Business advise: If for whatever reason you don’t like our LP, don’t send it back. Keept it. It is one of only 1000 copies pressed. Collectors will realize too late that our records are collectibles. They’ll want your LP. Badly. The resale value will soon be higher than what you paid us for a record you don’t like—this you will like. Discogs is your friend.)

That’s why we don’t accept returns.

Hold your horses …

We do accept returns. Of course.

Under two conditions:

#1 The record is still sealed (and the seal intact) and the corners do not look like mashed patatos. We’ll take the LP back and refund your money. No questions asked.

#2 Something is definitely wrong with the pressing. Murphy says that whatever countermeasures we take — the inevitable will happen eventually. And you of all customers are the poor soul that gets exactely that one, once in 15 blue moons instance when even the tightest quality control is not tight enough. We sent you the record that slipped through the hole nobody knew existed. Like: Your record is warped. Not the normal ups and downs, but WARPED. Or why did the one record with the off center hole had to be shipped to you? Or why does your B side distort so heavily even after you checked the stylus and the suspension of your phono cartridge? (Because the stamper cracked exactely on your B-side, but we noticed that only two records later.) So capital IF we shipped you a warped and broken piece of vinyl soiled with a sticky goo and looking as if it was taken care of a frat party,—then and only then we’ll take it bac even if the seal is broken. (Yes, we are perfectly aware that to discover an off-center hole, you do have to break the seal first.)

I want my money back, I don’t like the music is not a technical issue. Even more so as you can listen to the first 60 seconds of each song of each of our records in the shop. Hey, had I known that this LP is not about chicks, I wouldn’t of bought it! Tough luck … you should have paid more attention to the lyrics before buying. They go ‘Get Your Kicks on Route Sixty-Six’ and not ‘Get your chicks on Route Sixty-Six’. And what about The typography is awful plus I found two typos! Fine. Keep both, the typos and the LP and learn to live with the typography. It will grow on you.

If your LP is scratched, please read the postscript before scratching it*.) But IF your LP really is as chewed up as per our description, then by all means mail us a picture and explain in your own words how mad-as-hell you are with us because … look at the LP you sent me! 

In that case we will tell you how and where to return the LP. Please note that you will not get a new LP but instead a refund of your money, because most likely by then the LP will sold out . 

Deal? 

Bingo!

* Postscript

Don’t even think about outsmarting us. You can’t—it takes a crook to see a crook. Think twice before claiming your LP arrived with a scratch. We will not believe you. Because we KNOW the LP was in perfect condition when it was slipped into said poly-lined inner sleeve.

How can we be so sure, you ask?  Because we’ve met the Viking responsible for QC at Nordsø records. Honestly, you wouldn’t want to meet him in plain daylight, let alone mess with him after dawn. He is 7’3”, has no sense of humor, eats nails for breakfast and takes no prisoners. But he’s one badass vinyl inspector. Nothing escapes his 50/50 vision. Nothing. And in his very binary world, a record is either flawless (i.e. good enough for you or his mother) or shows the slightest of imperfections.

The Viking loves to find virgin LPs he can declare imperfect. Why? When he applied for the job as Head of QC, he refused in his words “to accept the saddest coin of your boring money” as compensation. During the interview he admitted also to having an insatiable desire for vinyl and that he’d be satisfied “getting some virgin in my hand” (verbatim). Instead of calling the police, the plant manager happily hired the Viking and accepted that his Head of QC will shred flawed LPs into hamburger sized portions and down them in one gulp. Ever since, Nordsø has not had one single customer claiming quality issues. If it were for the Viking, every LP would be flawed. That kind of viking he is, yes. (No, you wouldn’t want to deal with him, believe us. We’ve met him once and were happy to escape alive.)

Now you know why scratches are not a reason for returning the LP. We believe the Viking more than you. (And no, PayPal buyer protection is not your friend in this case. They’ve seen the Viking.)